Our perception of separateness or otherness from the rest of the world is a crucial aspect of our existence. This means that we must interact with one another as separate beings. This interaction could be in terms of some expectations from each other, and with something to offer in return (like love, friendship and work). The expectations, in some way, help us interact and unite with others by defining the terms of engagement with them. Expectations are central to our attempt to project ourselves into the future (immediate or distant), which is a fundamental tendency of the way we usually live, a little ahead of the present moment, always anticipating, hoping, planning, and of course, dreaming. We expect people to be non-violent, so we dare to step out of our homes. We expect people to fear punishment, so we make rules and back them up with the power to punish. In general, we expect the world to be something, and we either behave accordingly or, in some cases, try to change the world to meet the expectations. But our expectations are one-sided terms of engagement, bound to be met with some disappointments, the frequency of which is dependent on how realistic the expectations were to begin with.
Expectations can be negative or positive. In either case if they are not realistic, they can lead to pain and anxiety for us. Unrealistic negative expectations lead to needless anxiety due to their very existence, while unrealistic positive expectations lead to such anxiety because of their non-fulfillment. The underlying problem is the same. Some are very basic expectations that may not be disappointed often, but others may have greater chances of being rejected (by nature or other humans). Thus, expectations can be a source of great pain and anxiety.
What does one do when met with repeated disappointment of expectations? Does one continue with the same expectations, and keep suffering? I don't think that is a good idea, because instead of leading to a fulfilling life, this approach could turn our disappointments into anger and other emotions whose manifestations can create trouble for ourselves and for others. We don't enjoy disappointments and these disappointments have a way of turning into emotional reactions.
So, we have to either let our expectations evolve to match the reality, or try and change the reality to match the expectations. Many of our expectations are rooted in an incomplete understanding of the 'otherness' of the other and our 'separation' from the nature, and an unwillingness to accept these basic aspects of existence. I have often found it disturbingly difficult to accept that there are forces at work that are completely indifferent to me and my desires and expectations, and that these forces have a right to be there. My own existence is just one of the forces constituting this world and though it has great potential to change the world, it also has its limits. Even if we can change the world around us, doing so just to fit our expectations can sometimes be very violent and unfair to the world around us. So, though there are many battles worth fighting to change the world, I think there are many occasions when one should just change one's assumptions about the world around, and adapt the expectations accordingly. Many of these occasions arise in our day-to-day interactions with people around us. For instance, if we continue to expect goodness and honesty everywhere, we will be tragic figures forever, eternally disappointed and ever so pained, or will create tragedy elsewhere, or both. But, the process of revisiting expectations is complicated by a few factors.
Firstly, to know and understand what are 'realistic' expectations is one of the greatest challenges for us. The world can present itself in fairly complex and perplexing ways, deceiving us into believing the unrealistic. I am yet to arrive at a general principle, except that one should try and keep one's expectations as low as possible, especially when the outcomes of our expectations are expected to have major effects on our mental and physical well-being i.e. if we are sensitive. In other words, playing safe may be a good thing. At the same time, we must do our best to improve things, so that the world presents some pleasant surprises to us.
Secondly, even if we do understand what are realistic expectations, to mold our inner selves to this new found understanding is an excruciatingly painful task. This pain may be somewhat mitigated by expectation of the fruitful end it might lead to, as Buddha said: Truth is bitter in the beginning, sweet in the end, and lie is sweet in the beginning, bitter in the end. But things are made worse by the seemingly perennial need to keep revising the expectations. So, thought it may seem that it would be an endless struggle, once we get used to this way of living, things should be easier.
Thirdly, there is no one 'self' in any situation. I constitute myself, as a composite of multiple selves all of which are interrelated and yet separated in the nuances of their self-definition. These selves can also be understood through the prism of identity. We invoke our multiple identities all the time, depending on the situation, what has happened recently, and how we feel due to our own inner reflection. My expectations from a fellow being are shaped by my multiple selves. Certain characteristics are underlying all these selves. Like, if we are very sensitive by nature, it would usually show in each one of our selves. For a man who cares too much for what he is working on, his expectation from others in the organisation may be higher.
Lastly, our expectations are shaped by, and may in turn shape who we think we are, and how we think we behave, basically our own self-image. If I think I am a pleasant person, I may usually expect pleasantness from others, mainly because I may feel it is my 'right' to get niceness, because of a tendency to see symmetry between actions and consequences. It is difficult to stay 'nice' when one expects the others not to be 'nice'. So, changing expectations may mean changing oneself. It could mean that there has been a change in our worldview, and it is bound to affect the way we treat the world. If we expect bitterness, it is it difficult to stay sweet for long. Should we try and be good without expecting goodness, be fair without expecting fairness? Research in game theory shows that in the long run, reciprocity and 'tit for tat' are the best (and most stable) strategies. But to me this is not always obvious Results from game theory notwithstanding, often it is not about what would make us 'win' against the others, but about what we should be doing, even though we may have low chances of winning through that route. Sometime even a loss in the conventional, worldly sense may be a great victory in the personal and spiritual sense. So, even though being gracious in face of arrogance may not be easy, we can make the choice because we believe that is the way we should be. As Gandhi said: Be the change you want to see in the world. I still want to examine this space further and find ways to retain the good things about my self, while toning down my expectations from the rest of the world. Still, one thing is clear: The world is what it is, but I have to decide who I want to be, what kind of life I want to live.
