I am sad. It is that intensely personal, sinking feeling that hurts in unusually deep and lonely ways. It is not a fleeting sensation. I am trying to fully understand the cause(s), and find ways to change the feeling, and be happy (or at least not be sad). I want to deal with the emotion directly, and not suppress it, ignore it, or drown it in liquor. There should be more direct and aware ways. I have come to believe that these ways reveal themselves after long, sincere self-reflection. I am young; recently started discovering some of these more 'mature' ways. Books have been of help but to a very limited extent. Some things don't occur to us till they actually occur with us. Reading Kafka and others at nineteen was interesting, but I understood them better when I went through certain things. The words that I read then have taken new meanings now. Conversations with wiser people are also good, but they can lead us to the pond, but not make us drink the water of wisdom. That choice is ours. Also, there are limitations that accompany being the other.
I am finding ways, but the search may never end. It would probably be an unending journey, ending with life itself. The idea is to keep going, and keep looking, while building on what has been found. This has to be done with the realisation that what I found yesterday may deserve discarding today. Though deeply unsettling, I feel this realisation, this creative destruction of sorts, is crucial if we want to gain wisdom.
An emotion is a deeply personal, subjective phenomenon, but its existence is universal. I feel what I feel, but many others have felt something similar at some point. That's what makes us all humans, sharing the very nature of our existence. Most of us find it difficult to deal with emotions, particularly when they come in a rapid gush. While dealing with them, it is important to see that there may be nothing inherently 'bad' in an emotion, because even the so-called 'negative' emotions help us identify and move away from hurtful states, or nuance our understanding of these states we are destined to be in, at least once in while. But some emotions can leave scars if they lead to destructive expressions, or if they affect us too much, destroying the harmony and balance in our lives. Also, for all emotions there are causes and consequences. Often, if we are not aware and careful, the consequences of emotions like anger can be disproportionate to their causes. To maintain balance and harmony in life, this sense of proportions should be maintained. How should we deal with these emotions?
I have found it useful to realise that no emotion stays in its original form for long. It transforms into other emotions and into emotional expressions. Depending on circumstances and how we deal with them, unrequited love often turns into sadness, which can transform into anger, which can motivate violent expression (towards oneself or others), leading to remorse and guilt, and it goes on. Emotions are like the magical entities that can take many forms. Understanding this non-rigid character of emotions gives us an opportunity to do something. I feel that it helps to acknowledge the emotion, understand its nature and cause, reflect on it in a considered manner, and find ways that help us not just to regain our inner peace and well-being, but also to gain new wisdom and fresh insights into life. I have tried some things.
Introducing humor to sadness and letting them be friends for a while. I have been surprised by finding how often they can get along well, if only for some time.
Suspending anger to give way to calm reflection, and then giving a measured response or if possible, forgiving and forgetting, and then enjoying the calm pleasures of restored inner peace.
Turning jealousy to thoughtful reflections on the nature of my expectations, the gaps in their fulfillment, the constructive ways to realise the expectations, the role of fate in what we and the others have and lack, the universality of human suffering, the ever-present possibility of pain hiding behind smiles, and also the right of others to live 'different' lives.
Responding to disappointment, frustration, and irritation by thinking about my place in a world with a billions stars, the workings of forces completely indifferent to my desires, the great potential and (still) the helplessness of human flesh, the location of my existence and my enterprise in the larger scheme of things, limitations of my plans and hopes, the need to discern between the co-existing meaningful and meaningless in life, and the nice and interesting joke this existence is.
Fears and anxieties have lately engendered a desire to discover their true causes and to become more aware of my past and more conscious of my present, to acknowledge and understand my desires, aspirations and concerns, so that I can carefully and permanently overcome some of my fears. Also, acknowledging that my fears, in their own ways, help reaffirm my humanity, and prevent me from going down the dangerous path of arrogant certitude.
Trying to resolve confusions by looking for deeper and wider knowledge and understanding of issues of concern with the hope that, with much labor and some luck, I will get clarity, while also acknowledging that I may not get all the answers, because some things may not be resolvable (or even knowable) due the inadequacy of my mind or the divergent nature of the answers, or both.
Letting the feeling of disgust or sense of outrage force me to take considered action to mitigate its causes.
In many of these, I haven't had much success in terms of bringing about a desired transformation in the emotion, but I am learning all the time, because I am aware and keen. I find new, more fruitful and direct ways of dealing with my emotions, and I learn more about myself. Each time I discover, to my disappointment, how little I really knew about myself. This disappointment is soon overwhelmed by the joy of enhanced self-awareness. Then my mind feels like dancing with abandon.
But right now, I am sad.
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